You feel guilty, even though you’re doing your best.
You call when you can and visit when life allows. In between, you worry, make plans, and sometimes lie awake at night wondering if you’ve missed something important.
And still, that feeling lingers. Maybe it’s for not living closer, or for being too busy.
Perhaps it’s the guilt of paying someone else to care for the person who once cared for you.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
Guilt is one of the most common emotions experienced by adult children caring for ageing parents, especially daughters balancing careers, families, and their own well-being.
This blog isn’t about telling you to “let go” of guilt. It’s about helping you understand it, manage it, and move forward with more clarity and compassion.
Guilt isn’t always logical. But it’s deeply human.
You might feel guilty because:
- You live in another city (or country) and can’t be there in person
- You’re paying for help instead of providing it all yourself
- You’ve missed calls, appointments, or small cues
- You’re tired, burnt out, and sometimes resentful — then guilty about that too
This guilt often comes from love and from unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves.
But here’s the truth: You don’t have to do it all to be a good daughter or son.
Understanding the Types of Caregiver Guilt
There are many shades of guilt. Recognising what kind you’re experiencing can help you begin to untangle it.
🟠 Physical absence guilt
“I should be there more often.”
Common in adult children living overseas or out of town.
🟠 Delegation guilt
“I shouldn’t need to hire help. I should be the one doing it.”
Affects many who feel pressure to provide hands-on care.
🟠 Emotional exhaustion guilt
“I feel overwhelmed and tired, and sometimes I just want a break.”
Comes with burnout — and the unrealistic belief that love should always feel easy.
🟠 Decision guilt
“Did I do the right thing? Should I have waited? Could I have done more?”
Often tied to moving a parent into care, hiring outside help, or setting boundaries.
1. Acknowledge the Guilt Without Letting It Lead
Guilt is an emotion, not a verdict. It’s okay to feel it. It’s even helpful sometimes. But it shouldn’t be the driver of your decisions.
Instead of pushing it away, try:
- Naming it: “I feel guilty because I missed Mum’s call today.”
- Exploring it: “What expectation am I holding that’s not realistic?”
- Reframing it: “Missing one call doesn’t mean I’m not a caring daughter.”
2. Define What “Doing Enough” Really Means
The guilt spiral often comes from a moving goalpost. You do more, but it still doesn’t feel like enough.
Ask yourself:
- What are the non-negotiables I can commit to each week?
- What does support look like if I consider my own limits and health?
- Am I measuring myself against someone else’s story — or social media highlight reels?
Often, “enough” is less about hours and more about intention. A thoughtful call. A check-in. A decision made with care.
3. Rebuild a Healthy Definition of Caring
Caring isn’t always hands-on. It includes:
- Coordinating help
- Paying for quality care
- Making tough decisions when others won’t
- Being emotionally present, even from afar
You are still caring — even when someone else is doing the dishes, giving the medication, or driving to appointments.
4. Talk About It — Without Shame
Guilt thrives in silence. Try speaking with:
- A therapist or counsellor (especially one with experience in elder care)
- A sibling or trusted friend
- Online or local support groups for adult children caring for parents
Even just saying, “I feel like I’m not doing enough, and I hate that feeling,” can lighten the emotional load.
Organisations like Carers NZ offer resources, helplines, and support networks specifically for New Zealand carers — so you don’t have to navigate it alone.
5. Set Boundaries Without Guilt
You’re allowed to say:
- “I can’t do that this week, but I’ve arranged for someone who can.”
- If today’s not an option, you might say, “I’ll call first thing tomorrow.”
- And when you need a moment to rest: “I need a break — not because I don’t care, but because I do.”
You cannot pour from an empty cup — and your parent needs you steady for the long haul.
6. Focus on What You Are Doing
Instead of fixating on the 10% you didn’t do, focus on the 90% you did:
- You booked the appointments and checked in regularly.
- You helped with paperwork, worried, and took action when needed.
- That matters. It adds up. And it’s enough.
7. Accept That Perfection Isn’t the Goal
No one gets this 100% right — not the daughter who lives nearby, the son who manages every appointment, or even full-time carers.
There will be mistakes, missed moments, and hard days. That’s not failure — that’s reality.
What matters most is that your parent knows they are loved. And from everything you’re doing, it’s clear that they are.
Final Thoughts: You’re Already Showing Up
If you’re reading this, you’re likely already doing far more than you give yourself credit for.
You care. You’re paying attention. You’re trying to do the right thing — and that’s everything.
Let guilt be a signal, not a sentence. And remember: sometimes the most caring thing you can do is take care of yourself, too.
Explore our Home Help services →
Book a free consultation or call 0800 227 686
