You’ve tried everything.
You’ve gently offered to help with meals. Suggested having someone pop by to tidy the house. Even raised the idea that a bit of outside support might be useful.
But your parent refuses help. Every time.
“No thanks, I’m fine.”
“I don’t need a babysitter.”
“I’ve looked after myself for 80 years — I don’t need help now.”
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
Many adult children — especially daughters like Catherine — find themselves emotionally caught between concern and resistance. You can see your parent needs support. But they’re proud, private, or simply fearful of losing their independence.
In this guide, we’ll explore how to support a parent who refuses help — and how to approach these conversations with empathy and confidence.
Why Some Parents Refuse Help — Even When They Need It
Before finding the right words, it helps to understand what’s behind the resistance. Common reasons include:
Fear of losing independence
Accepting help can feel like giving up control. Even a small suggestion — like help with cleaning — may be seen as a threat to their autonomy.
Pride and identity
Many older adults see themselves as the caregiver, not the one being cared for. It’s difficult to shift roles after a lifetime of independence.
Denial
They may not recognise the extent of the changes — especially when cognitive or physical decline happens gradually.
Mistrust or fear of strangers
If your parent isn’t used to letting others into their personal space, the idea of a “carer” can feel intrusive or unsafe.
Financial concerns
Some may worry they can’t afford help, or feel uncomfortable spending money on themselves.
1. Choose the Right Time to Talk
Timing is everything.
Don’t bring up the topic when your parent is stressed, tired, or distracted. Instead:
-
Choose a calm, unhurried moment
-
Avoid family events or emotionally charged days
-
Sit down face-to-face if possible (video calls are fine if you’re overseas)
You might open with something like:
“I’ve been thinking about how things are going at home lately. Can we have a chat about that?”
2. Lead with Empathy, Not Authority
It’s easy to slip into “fix-it” mode — especially when you’re worried. But lecturing or listing problems usually leads to more resistance.
Instead:
-
Use “I” statements, not “you” accusations
“I’ve noticed the stairs seem a bit hard lately,” rather than “You’re not getting around like you used to.” -
Express concern, not criticism
“I want you to feel safe and comfortable.” -
Acknowledge their feelings
“I know this isn’t easy to talk about, and it might feel like a big change.”
3. Focus on Their Goals — Not Your Worries
If your parent values their independence, try framing support as something that helps them maintain it.
You might say:
-
“Having someone help with the heavy lifting might make it easier for you to keep doing the things you enjoy.”
-
“This isn’t about taking over — it’s about making life easier and safer for you.”
-
“If we get help with just a few things, it might take the pressure off so you can focus on what matters most.”
4. Start Small and Suggest a Trial
“Support” doesn’t have to mean a full-time carer. Suggest trying help with just one task for a short time:
-
One cleaning visit a fortnight
-
Weekly grocery delivery
-
Daily phone check-ins
-
A local volunteer visitor or community programme
Use gentle, reassuring phrases like:
-
“Let’s give it a go for two weeks and see how it feels.”
-
“If you don’t like it, we can stop.”
-
“It’s not permanent — just something to try.”
This helps lower the emotional barrier and gives your parent a sense of control.
5. Involve Trusted Third Parties
Sometimes it helps when the message doesn’t come from you.
Consider involving:
-
A GP, nurse, or health professional your parent respects
-
A close family friend or sibling they trust
-
A community support worker or local aged care coordinator
In New Zealand, health professionals can often initiate a Needs Assessment, which may gently open the door to discussing formal support
6. Use Positive, Familiar Language
The word carer can feel clinical or impersonal. Instead, try using:
-
“Helper”
-
“Support person”
-
“Friend who comes by to check in”
-
“Someone who can give you a hand”
Keep the language light and familiar. Avoid anything that suggests a loss of independence or capability.
7. Understand It May Take Time — and That’s Okay
One conversation might not change anything — and that’s completely normal.
Keep the door open with phrases like:
-
“I hear you — you’re not ready yet. Can we revisit this in a month or so?”
-
“I’m always here to talk about it, whenever you feel ready.”
-
“We’re in this together — we’ll figure it out, step by step.”
Consistency and kindness build trust over time.
8. Protect Yourself from Burnout and Guilt
If your parent refuses help and you’re doing everything on your own, you might feel:
-
Angry that they won’t accept support
-
Resentful that the responsibility has landed on you
-
Guilty for not being able to “fix” the situation
These feelings are completely normal. But you also have the right to set boundaries and look after your own wellbeing.
Make sure you:
-
Share responsibilities if possible
-
Set clear limits on what you can realistically do
-
Seek support from counsellors, friends, or caregiver groups
-
Remember: you can offer help — but you can’t force someone to accept it
Final Thoughts: Patience, Not Perfection
Supporting a parent who refuses help is one of the most emotionally complex challenges adult children face.
But remember:
-
You’re not alone
-
You’re doing your best
-
Your compassion and persistence matter — even if it takes time to see progress
Start small. Keep the conversation open. And make space for both your parent’s dignity and your own emotional wellbeing.
Explore our Home Help services →
Book a free consultation or call 0800 227 686
