Care options for your parent can feel overwhelming, especially when the choices are many and the stakes are personal.
Catherine knows her mum needs support.
Not enough to move into a rest home, but more than what a weekly visit can manage. Like many adult children, she’s juggling work, family, and the heavy responsibility of making the “right decision” for her parent’s wellbeing.
With so many care options available in Aotearoa — home care, day programmes, retirement villages, private carers — how do you know what’s best?
This guide outlines the key questions every adult child should ask when exploring care options for their parents. It’s about more than just ticking boxes — it’s about making confident, compassionate decisions based on your parent’s needs, personality, and priorities.
Why It’s So Hard to Choose a Care Option
Choosing care is emotional. You might be feeling:
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Guilt for not doing more yourself
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Anxiety about cost and quality
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Pressure from siblings or family expectations
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Confusion about where to even start
It’s easy to delay the decision — until something urgent forces your hand. But by asking the right questions early, you can stay in control, avoid crisis-mode choices, and give your parent the best chance to age well.
Start Here: Understand Your Parent’s Needs
Before comparing services or pricing, pause and ask yourself:
What kind of support does your parent actually need?
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Physical – mobility, bathing, cooking, cleaning
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Cognitive – memory, medication, routines
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Emotional – companionship, motivation, isolation
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Medical – complex conditions, recent hospital stays
You don’t have to figure it all out on your own — a GP or Needs Assessor can help determine the right level of support.
Questions to Ask Yourself and Your Whānau
Start with reflection — before approaching any service provider.
✔ Is my parent open to accepting help?
If not, a slower introduction to care may be needed, or you might involve a trusted third party like their GP.
✔ Am I (or a sibling) currently the primary caregiver?
Clarifying who is doing what now can help avoid burnout and shape your planning going forward.
✔ Do we want to prioritise staying at home for as long as possible?
If yes, home-based care options should be your starting point.
✔ What’s our monthly budget for care?
This will help determine whether private, subsidised, or a combination of care services is most realistic.
Questions to Ask Potential Care Providers
When contacting aged care services or facilities, don’t hesitate to ask direct questions — you’re advocating for someone you love.
1. What services do you offer, and how are they tailored to individuals?
Look for flexible, needs-based support that can adapt as your parent’s situation changes.
2. How are carers or staff selected and trained?
Whether it’s a rest home or a home care agency, ask how carers are vetted, what training they receive, and how continuity of care is maintained.
3. What does a typical day or visit look like?
For home support, ask how carers structure their time. In facilities, ask about daily routines, meals, and opportunities for social interaction.
4. How does communication with families work?
You’ll want regular updates, open communication, and someone you can easily contact with any concerns — especially if you live overseas.
5. What’s the process for changing or cancelling care?
Situations change. Look for flexibility, simple processes, and minimal lock-in periods.
6. What safety protocols are in place?
Ask about health and safety practices, emergency response, and infection control — especially important in a post-COVID world.
7. Are there any government subsidies or financial support available?
Some services in New Zealand may be publicly funded after a Needs Assessment. Ask the provider what the process involves and if they can help you navigate it.
Questions to Ask During a Care Needs Assessment (If Applicable)
In New Zealand, a Needs Assessment and Service Coordination (NASC) agency may assess your parent’s eligibility for government-funded support.
Would you like me to expand this section with questions to ask during the NASC process?
Ask:
- What level of support is my parent eligible for?
- Can this be delivered at home or only in a facility?
- How do I apply for reassessment if things change?
You can find more information on available services on govt.nz’s Help in Your Home page.
Questions to Ask Your Parent (Gently)
This part can be delicate — especially if your parent is proud, private, or reluctant to accept help. The key is to frame your questions as collaborative, not controlling.
Try asking:
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“What are the hardest parts of your day at the moment?”
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“What would help you feel more comfortable or safe at home?”
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“If someone popped by once a day, what would you like help with?”
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“Would you be open to giving it a try for a few weeks?”
Avoid using terms like carer or care if they tend to trigger resistance. Instead, opt for softer language like support, help, or even a friend who can check in.
Let me know if you’d like a version of this section
Comparing Options: A Quick Overview
| Care Option | Pros | Cons |
| Home Support (e.g. cleaning, shopping, companionship) | Flexible, familiar environment, scalable | Can become costly if full-time |
| Private Carers | Personalised and consistent | Requires vetting and coordination |
| Rest Homes / Retirement Villages | 24/7 support, structured | Loss of independence, higher cost, may not suit personality |
| Day Programmes | Social engagement, respite for families | Limited hours, transport required |
| Live-In Care | Constant presence, high reassurance | High cost, loss of privacy |
Note: Some combinations (e.g., home help + tech tools + family support) can delay or avoid full-time care.
Other Factors to Consider
- Location: Proximity to family, GP, and social connections matters.
- Language or cultural preferences: Can your parent connect with staff?
- Technology: Is your parent comfortable using alerts, tablets, or video calls for safety and connection?
- Contingency plans: What happens if the primary carer gets sick or can’t make it?
Final Thoughts: You’re Not Just Choosing a Service — You’re Choosing Peace of Mind
Choosing a care option for your parent isn’t just about logistics. It’s about protecting their independence, safety, and dignity — while also easing the emotional weight you carry.
By asking the right questions, you allow yourself to move from guilt and uncertainty to clarity and confidence.
You don’t have to do everything at once. Start the conversation. Gather information. And remember: doing your best is more than enough.
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